Grief

When you first lose something you loved... a precious object, a family member, a belief... the grief is so strong because you don't know how to go on without it. They say time heals but I think the reality is that we keep going and we learn that we can live without the thing we once held dear. The pain exists because we think we need the thing to survive, and as we continue our lives the pain fades because we discover that we didn't need it as much as we thought.

I Will

I will be strong.
I will do things I do not want to do.
Even if I fail and fail again, I will not quit.
I will succeed in the end.
I will keep my faith, even when I don't act it.
I will set goals and achieve them.

I want to cry out from the wanting,
This desire I have to be the best,
My best.
I will learn, I will grow, I will do.
Every day I will look back and realize
That I've arrived where yesterday I was pining to be.
My arms will carry heavy loads,
My legs will move with strength and grace,
I will smile at everyone and forgive.

There was a person I imagined as a child.
I will be that person.

Happy birthday. Love you, whoever you would've been.

First or Third?

If (when!) I get around to writing a book, I know I'll probably end up writing in first person. It scares me though because I hate when I read a book in first person and the main character is hardly a character at all. All the other people in the book have personalities and quirks and you get to know them, but for some reason, reading in first person eliminates that main character from your head. You replace them with yourself. And it doesn't make sense when the love interest falls in love with them because there's nothing there to love, just a voice narrating a story.

So the obvious solution would be to write in third person, but that always seems so stilted. If you have two females talking, it's a thin line between being repetitive and making things confusing. (For example, "She looked at her and knew she would never come back." Who would never come back? The first she or the second she? The alternative is, "Stacy looked at Maria and knew Maria would never come back." Which just sounds dumb. I hate using names too often. It's awkward.)

Becoming

I've become the kind of girl (woman?)
who feels naked without makeup
who goes to the gym five times a week
who listens to classical music in the car

The kind of girl (woman?)
who does her classwork the night that it's assigned
who keeps her cool in a tough spot
who works for a living

I've become the kind of girl (woman?)
I never thought I would (could?) be
And I find I'm quite enjoying it

Fear

One of the most important lessons I've had to learn is that thinking and worrying about something too much is actually scarier than doing it. Sometimes you just have to decide to not think about it all and dive right in.

The first time I put this into practice was when I donated blood in high school. I had heard the horror stories of students fainting and I'd seen the bruises on people's arms. But I knew that I wanted to be a hero more than I was afraid of the needle. I had to consciously decide not to be afraid. And it worked! It hurt a bit when they punctured my arm, but not as much as it would have if I'd been scared out of my mind. I was so proud of myself and went on to donate as much as possible for the next few years. I've had to stop recently because of high platelets, but my doctor said I can restart in October!

I wish I could have a conversation with myself in the past, that I could tell myself not to quit things because they seem hard. Then again, if I hadn't quit before, I wouldn't be where I am now, and I'm so happy where I am. I was just thinking about how hard Sundays are on my paper route, but then I realized that when I take things one step at a time, it's really not that bad. Thinking about the whole (the whole Sunday, the whole week, the whole year, my whole life) makes peace of mind impossible. But little chunks are doable.

I guess none of this would make sense to anyone else, but I need to have it here to remind myself.

First Day of School

I woke up today at 4:05 pm. Class started at 5, so I knew I had to hustle. I got all dressed up, only to realize that I had not a single pair of cute shoes to match my outfit. My options were a) a two-sizes-too-large pair of men's flip flops, b) my ugly black work shoes, or c) brown ballet flats that give me terrible blisters. I was wearing black and white, but I couldn't stand to wear huge flip flops on the first day of school, so I chose the ballet flats. Bad decision.

Almost as soon as I put them on, my feet started to hurt. I thought I could tough it out, though, and rushed out of the house. I had to get my parking decal from the security office before class started, and that went pretty smoothly, despite having a security officer tell me she would love to make me cry by giving me a $60 ticket if I parked in the wrong spot. It was exactly 5:00 by the time I was putting the decal on my car.

Now, I had looked up my classes on the map online a few days ago, but that didn't help much. I drove around aimlessly, trying to see the tiny letters they have on the corners of buildings. I finally decided to just park and walk around, figuring I'd be able to see the minuscule letters if I was two inches away from them. Half-running in ballet flats made of what feels like razor blades is not the most comfortable thing in the world. Eventually I wandered just the right amount and ended up at the BA building, where I needed to be. A kindly old man pointed out the right classroom to me.

I arrived at 5:12, a sweaty, disheveled mess, with my shoes half on and a panicked look on my face. The room was full, the teacher was mid-lecture. I tried to slip silently into the back row, but being quiet is something I've never excelled at. I clanked and tapped and tripped my way into a chair, heaving a sigh of relief.

Then my phone rang.

I was reminded of that show about meerkats as every eye in the room turned to look at me. I smiled sheepishly and pulled out my phone. My mom had texted me to wish me luck. Frantically, I jammed the volume control until it reached Silent mode and shoved the phone back in my purse.

At this point, I achieved a few precious minutes of peace, looking over the syllabus and mentally calculating how much money I would have to spend on textbooks and other supplies. Somewhere, Murphy and his law detected that there was an opening available for some new sort of torture, and my nose turned on like a faucet.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem to be allergic to random rooms or learning or something. I felt a sneeze coming on and knew instantly what the rest of the hour would look like for me. There was nothing I could do but ride it out. The sneezing came first, and then the watery eyes and red nose. I raised one shaky, timid hand and asked where the nearest bathroom was.

I had taken my shoes off, and in my panic I put them back on on the wrong feet. Sigh. I had no choice but to hobble out of the classroom with the toes pointing in opposite directions, every step poking my numerous blisters.

I won't go in to too many details, but I had to leave twice more to blow my nose. It was easily one of the most humiliating hours of my life. The teacher was very nice, though, and when she gave us a diagnostic test (it was a math class) I finished first and got to leave a few minutes early. I walked to my car barefoot, shoes in hand, and you would have thought I was walking around naked based on the looks I was getting.

On the bright side, things can only go up from here!

Pep Talk

You are sick, not dead. In a day or two you'll wake up and be able to breathe again. Your muscles will work the way they're supposed to and things will come easily. It's unfortunate to have caught a virus while coming down from a manic phase, but hey, that's life. Just keep a box of tissues by your side and stick it out. Things will be better before you know it. Keep hoping.

Just Thoughts

I am full to the brim with possibilities. Tomorrow I'm going to study for the PERT math test with Suzana. On Monday, I'll take the test and prove my residency. Then I'll see an academic adviser, sign up for classes, and be a college student again. I'll join Curves. My schedule will be crazy and I'll love it. I'll have baby mice to love on, friends to hang out with, a book to write, work every day, homework to do... It all sounds like heaven to me.

People used to say, "Oh, you're so lucky, you just get to sit at home all day," but it was terrible. The human brain needs to do things or it starts to turn on you.

Weekly Schedule

Sundays - Go grocery shopping.
Mondays - Do a craft or something else creative.
Tuesdays - Wash/clean the car.
Wednesdays - Go to church.
Thursdays - Clean your room.
Fridays - Hang out with friends.
Saturdays - Do laundry. Clean the mouse cage.

Things To Do When I Get Home

I love vacation, but I always get so inspired and can't do anything about it till I get home. So to ward of the crazies, I'm making a list! (Oh how I love lists!)

1. Go talk to a guidance counselor at PBSC.
2. Join Curves.
3. Buy back my domain name.
4. Order a logo on Fiverr.
5. Make business cards.
6. Make T-shirts (someday, maybe not right away).
7. Go to Olive Garden with my laotong.
8. Buy Suzana's gift.
9. Find someone for the Ever shoot.
10. Buy gray feathers for the Ever shoot.

BR: Laziness

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

If you clicked a name on the Bookshelf Reminisce post and it brought you here, that means I was too lazy to write a blog post about that book. Sorry.

Adventures of a Night Dweller

I don't use my bank account very often, mostly just to pay for my photography website and my World Vision kid, so I'm constantly forgetting to put my money in on time. This has resulted in lots of overdraw fees. This month, I was determined to be punctual. World Vision automatically withdraws on the 10th, so I said to myself, "I'll put the money in on the 7th!" But I didn't. "Okay, then, the 8th!" But I put it off. "The 9th?" I forgot. It was left until today, the 10th, at the very last minute.

I remembered seeing that my bank closes at 1 pm on weekends, which was unfortunate for me because it meant I would have to get up at 12. Because of my paper route, my sleep schedule is backward. Getting up at 12 for me is like getting up at 4 am for most people. Except that when you get up at 4 am, you're tired but at least it's dark and cool outside and there are pretty stars and all the stoplights change quickly for you. Noon in Florida is the exact opposite of that.

So I crawled out of bed at the appointed time, put some normal-people clothes on, and opened the front door, where I found myself assaulted by a tidal wave of heat and light. I had forgotten where I lived, having only been outside in the evening or at night for the last month. I had forgotten the brutal fist of the sun and what it felt like to be punched by sweltering heat.

Still, it had to be done. I staggered to my car, not quite fully awake yet, and sat for five minutes trying to figure out why the A/C wasn't working. (It was. It just takes awhile for it to get things going in the oven we call our state.) Slowly, carefully, I pulled out onto the street, and as soon as I was surrounded by more cars than I'd seen in the past week, my eyes shut down, refusing to open and be subjected to more pain. Tears wormed their way up and over onto my cheeks. Luckily, I drove so slowly while battling with my eyelids that everyone zoomed around me and I was relatively safe.

I drove for ten minutes, my eyes still not adjusted to the strange world of daytime, and finally arrived at the bank. There were no cars in the parking lot (which only seemed normal to a 2-am-worker like me) so I pulled into the best spot: the one right in front of the door. It was there that I gazed up through half-blurred eyes at the sign proclaiming the bank's hours of operation.

Banks aren't open on Sundays.

BR #35: The Wish by Gail Carson Levine

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)


By far my least favorite book by Gail Carson Levine, The Wish is the only book she's written that takes place in our human world. I mostly dislike this book because the main character is irritating and the other characters are unremarkable. It's only on my shelf because I like having every book by an author that I'm interested in.

BR #34: Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)


The second book I ever read by her, Ella Enchanted is one of my favorites. If you've seen the movie, allow me to be cliche and say that the book is a world away from resembling its film counterpart. Pretty much the only thing they kept in the movie was the names and the curse.


One thing I noticed while reading Ella Enchanted this time was how much Ella suffers. Gail Carson Levine wrote a book on writing, and that was a big rule: make the characters suffer. That way, the reader empathizes with them and relates to them. But I love that Ella never threw pity parties or moped around for long. Despite being cursed with obedience, she was a rebel to the end.

BR #30: The Fairy's Return by Gail Carson Levine

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)


This book is actually a series of short stories by Gail Carson Levine. Each story is a fairytale, retold with Gail's special humor. If I ever have kids, I'll read them these instead of the original fairytales.

BR #50: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)   


I'm going wildly out of order here, but my wonderful sister gave me a Barnes and Noble giftcard for my birthday and this was the book I bought. It's not like me to put off reading a book I've just bought, so there you go.


I adore this book, even if it is so depressing that I become irritable and grumpy the whole time I'm reading it. The narrative is so strong that I find myself starting to think like the main character. Her pessimistic view of the world and her critical thoughts about other people are hard to swallow, but worth it when you start to see the cracks in her facade. It's amazing how Laurie Halse Anderson can write one thing and show you another. It's a very subtle thing and I admire it greatly.


My favorite part is the end. I cannot fully express how much I appreciate a book that ends. I read through three shelves of the Young Adult section in my local library and only found one or two books that had solid endings. And Wintergirls has more than a solid ending. It's creepy and inspiring and tragic all at once. All things that I love.


I can't wait to read more books by this author.

BR #18: Impossible by Nancy Werlin

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)  


The cover of Impossible was what first drew me to check it out from the library. As I read it, I was a little shocked. I've read a lot of books in my short life. My sister has probably read more, but still, I've read more than most people. I know the way most books go, how the plots progress. I can usually guess the twists and turns a book will take. But not this one.


Impossible is a unique book in that it goes places most books wouldn't. It doesn't take you to dark corners like Hunger Games; it just shows you a new road you maybe haven't been down, or a shortcut to the grocery store.


Other than the unpredictability (is that a word?), the characters are only slightly interesting and the romance was wooden and forced. I enjoy the humor. It's not a great book for re-reading because the most interesting part is the impossible tasks, and after you've read it once you already know how they're completed.


Here are the two versions of the cover art that I've seen, so you can see why I'm still enthralled with the book, long after the shiny newness of it faded.


The cover I saw when I checked it out at the library: 





The cover on the copy that I own now:

BR #15: Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.) 


Kiera Cass once compared food to books. She said some books are like a well-rounded meal, meant to sustain you and provide you with information and wisdom for life. Some books are like a dessert at a high class restaurant, the kind that comes with a leaf on the side of the plate and a drizzle of sauce. Kiera said her books were like comfort food.


To continue this metaphor, I'd have to say that the Hunger Games is like a Warhead. Or a Fireball. One of those candies that you put in your mouth and instantly regret because the pain is too much to bear, but you can't spit it out because you know it will get better. Except with the Hunger Games, it never gets better. It only ends.


It takes a masochist to read these books.

BR #14: Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.) 


There wasn't much about Catching Fire that was new to me this time around. Not saying that the book isn't spectacular and haunting and wonderfully written, just that I caught all that the first few times I read it.


The most terrible part in the whole series, for me, is in this book, when Peeta and Katniss attend a party in the Capitol and find out that the people there carry out an old Roman (or Greek? I'm dumb. Can't remember.) custom of throwing up during a feast to make room for more food. It's just a shock to their system because their families have always been hungry, and here these people have so much food, they don't even let it digest. Suzanne Collins wrote this moment so perfectly that I feel the disgust in my bones every time I read it.

The Future

It's a strange feeling for me, to be excited about the future. I've spent so much time dreading it, hating it, fearing it, because it used to be one big question mark to me. I have a plan now, though, and that changes everything. When I think about where I'll be in a couple years, I start bouncing in giddiness. I can't control myself. And nowhere in that plan does it say I have to have a great body or always have a boyfriend or gain my family's approval. My life doesn't hinge on those things anymore. I feel so free.

Longing

It never really goes away. You'll hear a song and suddenly the pain blooms in your chest just like the first time. The years that pass will help you heal, but they'll also illuminate your sorrow in new and different ways. You'll wonder what this event or that conversation would have been like, had things turned out differently. Would you have taken that job? Gone to that festival? Would you be having better experiences, or would you wish for the life you have now? You'll ask yourself these questions, knowing that there aren't answers. You'll mention how you feel to your friends, quietly in a whisper of doubt and self-loathing, and they'll stare back at you, not sure what to say. They can't understand, and you know that, so you try to keep those words bottled up. They tend to come out, though, in solitary moments, so you let your defenses down, open up your blog, hit compose, and start typing.

She wiped me off the face of her existence.

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson is one of my favorite books. I'll write more about it when I do my BR post, but I just had to share this passage from it:

The last time she called me was six months ago, after I got out of the hospital for the second time. I'd been calling her four or five times a day, but she wouldn't pick up or call me back, until finally, she did.


She asked me to listen and told me this wouldn't take long.


I was the root of all evil, she said. A negative influence, a toxic shadow... She needed to move on with her life, redefine her boundaries, she said. I was the reason she cut classes and failed French, the cause of everything nasty and dangerous.


Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


I was the reason she didn't run away freshman year. I was the reason she didn't eat a bottle of sleeping pills when her boyfriend cheated on her. I listened for hours when her parents yelled and tried to stuff her into a mannequin shell that didn't fit. I understood what triggered her earthquakes, most of them. I knew how much it hurt to be the daughter of people who can't see you, not even if you are standing in front of them stomping your feet.


But remembering all that was too complicated for Cassie. It was easier for her to dump me one last time. She turned my summer into a desert wasteland. When school started, she looked right through me in the halls, her new friends draped around her neck like Mardi Gras necklaces. She wiped me off the face of her existence.


My eyes start to water every time I read this. I feel like I am both Cassie and Lia, the betrayer and the betrayed.

10 Year Plan Revised

A revision of the original: http://reject-apathy.blogspot.com/2012/03/10-year-plan-kinda.html

I actually have a job now so this plan is feasible for the first time.

1. Get my Associates degree. Take classes slowly so I don't get overwhelmed. Make sure to take as many photography classes as possible. In my free time, practice photography and improve. Try to do something about my health.

2. Teach English in Taiwan. Live as frugally as possible so I can save as much of my income as I can.

3. Return to the US to earn my Bachelor's degree. I should have enough saved from Taiwan to be able to do this at a good college if I want to. Now would also be the time to go on that road trip I've had planned forever.

4. With a Bachelor's degree and two years of experience teaching English, I can choose any country I want to teach in. I can spend my life travelling around the world. If I save well, I can even do a 'two years teaching, two years relaxing and living off my savings' kind of thing. I'll be able to take beautiful pictures in many different countries using a skill I've earned through hard work and dedication.

BR #13: Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

The way I feel about the Hunger Games series can't be compared to how I feel about Twilight, but it's pretty close. The movie has only strengthened my passion for these books, and every time I read them I'm struck by the genius of Suzanne Collins. The best part about the first book is that there is not a single event that is expected. Every page holds a new discovery, a new turn of events, a new twist on an old idea. Katniss's reactions are unfamiliar and mesmerizing. The planning that must have been put into this book would probably make me cringe (I hate planning).

The only thing that keeps me from a full-on obsession is the same thing that makes the series so incredible: it's just so darn depressing! I mean, I love tragedy. I love thought-provoking stories and books that teach you a lesson about the world you live in. But the death, the heartbreak, the never ending stream of gruesome, gut-wrenching scenarios... it's just way too much to take. (Probably should have saved this second paragraph for my post on the third book since that's really what I'm referring to here, but who cares?)

If I was a book judge (lol don't ask, I have no clue) here's how I would score Hunger Games:

Characterization: 10 out of 10
Pacing: 10 out of 10
Plot: 10 out of 10
Setting: 10 out of 10
Emotional Agony: 18,000,000,000,000 out of 10

Diet Coke Key Chain

I saw this pinned on Pinterest and fell in love. My mom drinks Diet Coke like nobody's business and her birthday was a week away, so I decided to make my own.

I got a keychain:

Followed the instructions on the site linked above:

And this was the result! My mom loved it.

BR #9: The Siren by Kiera Cass

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I got tired of waiting for The Selection to come out so I read The Siren again. Kiera Cass's books are so special to me because I feel like I know her so well and I can feel her personality in her writing.

I'm beginning to notice a trend in the books that I like, namely in that most of my top-shelf books have last chapters that you spend the whole book dying to read. This is true once again with The Siren. I love getting Akinli's point of view in the end!

Aisling has to be one of my favorite book characters of all time. You just hate her the whole book, and then you get to the end and are blown away by how strong, brave, and truly wonderful she is. I'm really inspired by her.

Photo Earrings

CRAFT TIME!! Yay! See, this is what happens when you go on Pinterest...

So I discovered the wonders of Mod Podge, and I desperately wanted to make something with my new 8 oz bottle of it. I took a little trip to the Dollar Store and found these earrings:

Printed out some pictures:

Traced the shape of the earrings onto the pictures:

Cut the pictures out:

Took the metal parts off the earrings:

Mod Podged the earrings:

Stuck the pictures on:

Colored the sides with Sharpie and put three more coats of Mod Podge on top:

And I was done!

Had to try them on. :)

Obsession Confession

Without meaning to, without realizing it at all, I've become addicted to Pinterest. I knew this would happen if I let myself go on that site even once! But here I am, wanting to do crafts, paint my nails, try out new hairstyles, and redecorate my room. Sigh. I have a feeling buckets of Mod Podge will soon invade my room (seriously, what is that stuff? They use it in every cool craft ever!).

I'm having fun with  it, though. Who would think it could be so easy to be so crafty? I've already got some big ideas for Mother's Day. It's going to be UH-MAZING.

DSED #9: A Delicious Dessert

This is from Friday:

Today's task was to share a delicious dessert with a friend. I had a photo shoot scheduled with Shelby, so I suggested going to get something to eat. We headed to Steak and Shake and picked up Lindsey along the way. We had ice cream shakes and they were delicious! I love people. :)

BR #11: Peony in Love by Lisa See

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I skipped both of Kiera Cass's books. I just read The Siren a few months ago so I'm not quite ready to re-read it yet, and The Selection officially comes out in 4 days so I'm going to re-read it when I buy my hardcover copy. Can't wait!!

So that brings us to Peony in Love. Oh how I love Peony in Love! Here's the list of Things Made New Through Re-Reading:

1. I'm brought to tears every time I read the beginning of this book. Somehow it never changes, that feeling of hoping that this time Peony will realize her mistake in time. I want to yell at her, tell her what's really happening, but it's a book and I can't do that. I love the emotional agony of it all.
2. As I'm planning on writing my own novel, I can't help but compare and admire others' books. I especially love the title Peony in Love. It's so stark and dramatic and timeless. It's fun to say out loud, too. (I know, I'm weird.)
3. I was also very inspired by the poetry in the book, but that's nothing new. I hope Tani can be such a wonderfully poetic character.
4. Lovesickness, aka anorexia. It's real, it's out there, and it's been killing girls for hundreds of years. If I had to devote my life to one cause, that would be it.

DSED #8: Compliment ALL the People!!!

Today's task was to compliment every person I meet. This was difficult because I went to several stores and there were guys working there, and guys are hard to compliment. They don't wear jewelry, cute shoes, cute shirts, hair accessories, or carry purses. Both of the cashiers that checked me out wore plain polo shirts, jeans, and sneakers. They didn't smile or talk to me at all, so there was pretty much nothing to compliment. And when you tell a middle-aged guy that you like his plain polo shirt, he's going to think you're coming onto him.

So that's my excuse. I really did compliment everyone else, though. I told my mom I liked her outfit and I told the kitten that he's going to be really cute when his eyes open.

DSED #7: A New Street

Today's task was to drive down a street I've never been on. I'm an overachiever, so I drove down several.

My favorite was Tallulah Road. One of the houses there had the coolest dragon statue in the front yard. I wanted to take a picture, but I was afraid I'd get shot for being a creeper...

Also, in other irrelevant news, I got a baby bunny to raise along with my kitten!

DSED #6: Something I've Never Seen Before

Today I was told to find something in my house I've never seen before and take a picture of it. Really, it was not as difficult as it sounds. My dad has lots of man stuff like tools and parts and mechanical things so all I had to do was go in his room and take a quick glance around. And really, sorry for the crappy picture. I'm so tired I really didn't feel like anything elaborate today, so without further ado, I present to you a box of printer ink:

Somehow I won't feel as bad about printing tons of stuff anymore...

DSED #5: Something Precious

Today's task was to give someone something precious of mine that won't mean as much to them as it does to me. I made this one up purely as an act of self-torture, because I'm kind of a hoarder when it comes to sentimental objects and I like forcing myself into situations like this.

I knew I would be seeing Katie today so I pulled down my shoebox of little knick-knacks I've collected over the years and picked out the perfect thing: a seashell she picked up on the beach the first day we did pictures (the day that started my photography obsession). It was supposed to be hers anyway, so it would make some small amount of sense for me to give it to her, even if I was a few years late.

She seemed kind of confused by the gesture, but she knows about this silly little project of mine and accepted it in stride. So, all in all, it wasn't a very difficult task.

DSED #4: 5 Things from 2004

Today's assignment was another one stolen from Learning to Love You More. The original task was to list 5 events in your 1984, but I wasn't alive yet, so I changed it to 2004.

The scary thing is that I can hardly find anything from 2004. I have piles and piles of journal entries, poems, stories, and pictures from 2005, 2006, and 2007. I even have a nice little handful of pictures from 2002 and 2003. But 2004 seems to have been a pretty empty year for me. I was 13 years old and for once, life seemed to be pretty balanced. I had two best friends and had just discovered anime. Apparently I was content to not record anything to be remembered by (unusual for me). So without further ado, I present to you the very few things I've found from 2004:

1. I attended my nephew's birthday party at a bowling alley.
2. There was a mock presidential debate at my school.
3. I met Aliyah.
4. I read my first fanfic.
5. I went into a chatroom for the first time.

BR #8: Broken by InuSaga

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

Let me give you a brief history of Broken, first of all. Broken is a story written by someone I know only as InuSaga using characters from the hit TV show, InuYasha. To call it "fanfiction" would be degrading, as she only uses two characters and they are so far outside the realm of the show, only the names are really the same. InuSaga published this story online, where I found it and fell in love. Katie had let me borrow a book of hers that was similar to Broken (it used characters from a TV show, but it was an actual, published book). I've always wanted to make book covers so it stuck in my head that it was possible to publish a story even if it used copyright characters.

A little searching brought me to Blurb.com, which allows you to create a cover and have copies of a book printed out. The nice thing about Blurb is that you don't have to buy in bulk. I ordered two copies, one for me and one for Katie, whose face appears on the cover.

That said, it's time for the gushing (I have to gush over every book because if they didn't make me want to gush, they wouldn't be on my bookshelf).

Broken is a masterpiece. It's no happy fairytale, it's not a clichéd romance, it's a harsh, gritty story about the need for revenge and how it can wreak havoc in your life. The entire story leads up to a single conversation in the last chapter, and even though I know it's coming every time, I cry again and again. It's a long, hard journey to make, even just in your mind, especially if you've been betrayed and wanted revenge before. InuSaga is a genius with dialogue and plotting. It makes me sad that she only writes fanfiction, because I have no doubt that she could be a bestselling author if she used her own characters.

DSED #3: Write a Poem

Today's task was to write a poem for someone else and give it to them. This was really difficult for me because, first of all, my poems tend to reveal too much about how I feel (that's the point of poetry, I know) and second, I'm really bad at writing on command. I've also never written a poem specifically for someone with the intent of letting them read it. I've written over 300 poems and most of them have never been read by anyone but myself.

But I decided to man up (or woman up!) and just do it. I decided write for my mom because she's been having a tough time lately and needs some encouragement. Embarrassing as it is, here's the poem:

You were the first person I ever loved

And the first to ever love me

You’re the foundation of all I’ve ever been

And all I’ll grow to be

Your quiet eyes have seen me through

My darkest nights and brightest days

You’re the reason I still go on

You’re the reason that I stay

Storms have gathered to bring us down

But we’ll face the future holding hands

One alone is easily shaken

And so together we will stand

DSED #2: Under My Bed

Today's assignment was to take a flash photo of what's under my bed. Simple, but kind of embarrassing. Here you go:

My Death Note wall scroll keeps falling down, haha. Luckily I cleaned my room pretty well last week so this isn't as bad as it could've been. What you see there is a backpack, a laptop case, a poster, a wall scroll, and what looks like a screw but who knows.

I got this assignment from Learning to Love You More, which means that if you're curious you can go and check out what other people have under their beds. Just follow the link! (Click on any of the names on the right where it says Reports.)

Project Kitty Club

So yesterday I unexpectedly got a new project: raise a kitten! Meet my new darling, Little Fighter.

One of my mom's teacher friends found him at the school they both work at. Little Fighter is only a few days old and probably the tiniest kitten I've ever seen. He has to be fed by bottle and sleep with a heating pad. Today he finally got the hang of sucking on the bottle instead of me just squirting milk in his mouth and hoping he swallowed. He also purred for the first time!

DSED #1: Audrey Tautou Movies

I used my meager skills to make this DSED box. It's truly pathetic, but I got to use up the spray paint I had left over from making my Pocky costume, so it was worth it.

Feeling a lot like Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games, I stuck my hand in the box this morning and pulled out this slip:

Do you like my grammar there? Yeah, me neither. Not sure how that happened. Anyway, Audrey Tautou is my favorite actress. She's French but she's been in a few English movies. I watched 3 of her movies today, which doesn't sound like a lot, but I have trouble focusing (the doctors call it AD-something?? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention...).

The first movie I watched was Amelie. It was also the first Audrey Tautou movie I saw and by far her most famous. It was delightful to watch again and made me giggle like a middle-schooler.

The second movie was Beautiful Lies. It's the first one I've seen where Audrey isn't an instantly lovable character. She was kind of harsh and manipulative. I like the way the father describes her character: (and this is a paraphrase) "Emilie is kind and loving, but she'll break your legs to get you to dance the way she wants." Ouch, haha.

The third movie was A Very Long Engagement. It's by the same director as Amelie, and I started watching it years ago but got confused and quit. It was very gruesome and intricately detailed. I'm not sure I picked up half of what was going on, but it made me cry actual tears, which hasn't happened since I saw Tangled.

So there we go! Day One is completed. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow!!

The New Project: DSED!

I'm not giving up on Bookshelf Reminisce. I'm just going to be doing two projects at once. (Well, you'll see two projects. I actually have 5 different projects going on at once. It's nice to be busy!)

Anyway, this new project is called Do Something Every Day, inspired by Scare Yourself Every Day, and consists of 200 things to do before December 21, 2012. I don't actually believe in the whole 2012-end-of-the-world thing, but it's good to have a deadline. From tomorrow (April 10) to December 21, there are 255 days. I only made a list of 200 things because a) it's hard to come up with these and b) I need plenty of legroom to mess up and take days off, especially if I'm on vacation. So I get 55 free days. Eesh.

I separated the 200 things into five categories:

1. Things that will require money. Some crafts, some trips, some gifts, etc.
2. Things that will require participation from other people. Photo shoots, parties, and various adventures.
3. Things that will require some advance planning. There aren't many of these, but they're the most awesome ones.
4. Things that need to be done by a certain date, for instance my birthday or the Bon Festival at the Morikami.
5. Everything else. I tried to come up with things that I could do in a day, that were challenging but doable, that were fun, and that I wouldn't normally do.

I came up with most of the assignments myself, but when I looked for outside help, I greatly appreciated these websites:

http://www.lists-galore.com/

http://perfectbucketlist.tumblr.com/

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

http://pinterest.com/

http://scareyourselfeveryday.com/

BR #7: The Host by Stephenie Meyer

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I know, I know, I skipped number 6, but I only have Bree Tanner as an ebook so I read The Host first. Now! On to the gushing!

Things I Realized About The Host:

1. I love it. I love it so much. It's the best book in the whole world and I will reread it over and over until the day I die.
2. It is physically painful for me when I think about the fact that the sequel isn't out yet, despite the fact that Stephenie finished writing it years ago!!!! WHAT. THE. HELL.
3. Jamie is a beautiful name and such a wonderful character and reading about him made me miss my Jamie and love him that much more.
4. From now on, when I get nervous that people won't like me, I'm going to pretend that they're all souls and will always think the best about me. Maybe that will boost my confidence.
5. A song by Eisley was in the playlist that Stephenie listened to while writing the book!! How cool is that? I freakin' love Eisley. I'm impressed now.
6. I want to be more like Wanderer.
7. Reading Stephenie's writing has inspired me so much, now that I'm planning my own book. I hope I can have one-tenth of the character development and beautiful prose that she has.

And that's all! Stay tuned for another cool project I'm about to start. Woohoo!

BR #5: Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I actually read Midnight Sun while I was reading Twilight. I would read a chapter of Twilight, then a chapter of Midnight Sun. I love Edward's point of view so much. He's one of my favorite characters of any book ever, and not because he's good-looking. I just love his take on things, the way he over thinks everything (the same way I do!).

And seeing Bella from his eyes made me realize just how perfectly Stephenie created her. Most of the time when a book is told from first person, the narrator kind of falls to the background and becomes a non-character, even though everything is happening to them. It's easy to not give them a personality at all, but Stephenie did such a great job with Bella that I feel I would know her reactions to just about anything.

I really wish she would finish Midnight Sun someday. Actually, I wish she would write anything at all. It's been far too long since I've had a new book on my top shelf.

BR #4: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I skipped numbers 2 and 3, New Moon and Eclipse, because I didn't feel like dealing with Jacob's bitterness right now. I'm so glad I did, though! Going from Twilight straight to Breaking Dawn was an interesting experience. It was amazing to see how much Stephenie grew as a writer, but without making Twilight look bad.

It's amazing to realize over and over again how detailed the plot lines were in the series, and how everything led up to the last book. Breaking Dawn takes my breath away every single time. I think it might be my favorite, but it's hard to choose...

BR #1: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

(This post is part of an ongoing project. See more here.)

I hadn't read Twilight in awhile because after the movies came out, I couldn't read about Bella and Edward without thinking of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson. It was like trying to eat your favorite food while someone talked about dog poop. Blecgh. That finally wore off, though, and I'm glad it did.

I really thought I was getting over this obsession, but now I can see that the feelings had only faded because I'd forgotten how truly wonderful the books are. When I started reading, I was viewing them objectively and I could see how people would be irritated with Bella and view her as some sort of emo kid. But then I got sucked back into the story and my love for it returned full force.

Now, I've matured somewhat in recent years (just a little bit, mind you) and I can talk rationally about things that are serious, things that really matter. If you want to have an adult discussion about religion or current issues or whatever, sure. I can do that. But when it comes to something unimportant, like my opinion on a book, I give myself full freedom to be as ridiculous as I may want to be.

I say all that to say, I'm unashamedly, unconditionally, irrevocably in love with Stephenie Meyer and the worlds she creates through her writing. My dad says that someday I'll be embarrassed by how I've acted over these books, but I really don't agree.

The End of the Saga

Well, my hair is finally back to normal! I seriously can't thank Karissa enough for seeing me through this whole ordeal. I don't really regret dyeing it blonde because it was a fun experience, but I'm so glad to be natural again.

And I know, I look high as a kite in the before picture. It's just a natural side effect of being as awkward as I am.

Before:

After:

Bookshelf Reminisce

Out of the blue, I've decided that once I've finished the 900-page book I'm reading now (seriously, this thing will NEVER END) I'm going to read all my favorite books on my bookshelf again. I'm so excited, it's kind of stupid. I want to make a blog post as I finish each book and maybe write something new I got from each book, which will be hard for some of them considering I've read Twilight at least 12 times... :D

Posts relating to this project will be titled like this: "BR #1: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer". BR = Bookshelf Reminisce. Once I've finished a book and written the blog post for it, I'll link it here.

Here's the list of books I'm going to read:

1. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
2. New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
3. Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
4. Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
5. Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer
6. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner by Stephenie Meyer
7. The Host by Stephenie Meyer
8. Broken by InuSaga
9. The Siren by Kiera Cass
10. The Selection by Kiera Cass
11. Peony in Love by Lisa See
12. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See
13. Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
14. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
15. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
16. Vamped by David Sosnowski
17. Rapture by David Sosnowski
18. Impossible by Nancy Werlin
19. 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher
20. Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
21. Princess Academy by Shannon Hale
22. Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale
23. Runaway by Wendelin Van Draanen
24. Pictures of Hollis Woods by Patricia Reilly Giff
25. Gone by Michael Grant
26. Hunger by Michael Grant
27. Lies by Michael Grant
28. Plague by Michael Grant
29. Brightly Burning by Mercedes Lackey
30. The Fairy's Return by Gail Carson Levine
31. Ever by Gail Carson Levine
32. Fairest by Gail Carson Levine
33. The Two Princesses of Bamarre by Gail Carson Levine
34. Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine
35. The Wish by Gail Carson Levine
36. Gossamer by Lois Lowry
37. The Giver by Lois Lowry
38. Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry
39. Sierra by Kathleen Duey
40. Chat Room by Linda Hall
41. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
42. Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
43. Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment by James Patterson
44. Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever by James Patterson
45. Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports by James Patterson
46. Maximum Ride: The Final Warning by James Patterson
47. Maximum Ride: Max by James Patterson
48. Maximum Ride: Fang by James Patterson
49. Maximum Ride: Angel by James Patterson
50. Tell Me a Secret by Holly Cupala
51. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
52. The Actor and the Housewife by Shannon Hale
53. Fear by Michael Grant

Last Minute Pocky Costume

The Hatsume Festival at the Morikami Museum and Gardens was quickly approaching, and I still had not made my costume. I had planned on being No Face from Spirited Away, but I didn't want to spend money on buying fabric. So I did a Google search for "last minute cosplay ideas" and discovered how easy it would be to make a Pocky costume.

These were my supplies. My dad had a large cardboard box so the only things I had to buy were two cans of spray paint and some glue. It came out to under $5.

Many hours of Photoshop later, I was able to cut out the letters from printer paper and make Pocky sticks out of newspaper. It all worked out a million times better than I had planned. Seriously, guys, I've NEVER done a successful craft in my life!

Katie went with me to the festival. This is a picture of her trying to eat me. O_o

And this is Katie eating a giant stick of Pocky in her fantabulous Rainbow Dash shirt while I stare, terrified. Because we're just that awesome.

I was very happy with how the costume went over. Lots of people came up and asked to take pictures with me, and one of the candy vendors even gave me a free box of Pocky!! (He wanted me to be a cannibal, I guess.) It was an amazing day!

10 Year Plan (Kinda)

I have to write this out or my brain will explode. This is a ten year plan for my life if things go exactly how I imagine (which we all know they never do). I'll probably change my mind again in a few months anyway, but for now, I just like to think about this.

1. From now until 2015, work and play and save up whatever money I can. If possible, go on that road trip I've been planning forever during this time.

2. 2015 through 2017, go to community college and get my Associates degree. Continue saving up money wherever possible.

3. 2017 through 2019, teach English in Taiwan. Live as frugally as possible so I can save as much of my income as I can.

4. 2019 through 2021, return to the US to earn my Bachelor's degree. I should have enough saved from Taiwan to be able to do this at a good college.

5. 2021 through whenever, with a Bachelor's degree and two years of experience teaching English, I can choose any Asian country I want to teach in. (In Taiwan you only need an Associates.) In the past I would probably have chosen Japan, but it's expensive to live there and you can't have pets. I'd rather choose another country and just visit Japan a lot. I'd also like to spend some time in New Zealand.

Citations and Taxes

So today I finally went to the Palm Beach County Courthouse and sorted out some issues I'd been having with my car registration. I can't tell you how relieved I am that everything worked out so easily. I walked into the building nervous and afraid and walked out with the biggest smile on my face, practically skipping.

I was on a roll, so I decided to find an H&R Block and find out why my taxes had been rejected when I tried to file them online. You can insert here the sound effect of a brakes squealing because that's what I felt like happened to my day when they told me my identity has probably been stolen. Someone else filed their taxes with my SSN. Someone else is living under my name. Just... gahhh. I don't really know yet what the consequences of that will be or how it's going to get sorted out, if at all. I just hope it does, and soon.

Racist Teeth

I have a confession: I love the Dollar Tree. Every single time I visit this wonderful store, I can't believe how much stuff you can buy for just a dollar. Potting soil! And bedsheets! And pregnancy tests! And energy drinks! And teeth whitening systems!

That last one is what I'm here to experiment with. It'll probably kill me because heaven knows if you buy it for a dollar it can't be any good, but I'm living on the edge, people! Warning: some very disturbing pictures will follow.

So here it is. One tube of suspiciously tasteless goop and a rubber tooth tray. I feel nervous.

Just in case you weren't sufficiently traumatized as a child, here's a before shot of my teeth. This scares even me.

And here I am with the tooth tray in my mouth full of foaming goop, trying not to swallow any of this potentially-poisonous substance. The instructions said to wear it for five minutes in the morning and five minutes at night until "the desired shade of whiteness is achieved." I've done it twice now. We'll see what happens. If anything happens to me, tell my mom I love her...

Sad

You know you have no life when....

The same part of your brain that responds to your own ringtone responds to the ringtone of the main character in your favorite show.

Also, I bought 8 oz of Chick-fil-a sauce today. Winning. At. Life.

Extreme Photography Goals for 2012

• Do 50 paid photo shoots - Two of my favorite quotes from middle school were, "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars," and, "Most people don't aim too high and miss; they aim too low and hit." Those quotes are the only reason I feel comfortable posting a number like this. Oh and also, "When you aim for the impossible, the difficult becomes easy and the easy becomes assured." There. Bet you didn't know I'm the Queen of Quotes, now did you?
• Do 3 photo shoots in one day - You know that feeling in your stomach when you see the really cute guy you have a crush on? That's how I feel when I think about this goal. I don't know why, I just think it would be so fun! And I'd get to edit pictures for days!
• Buy Ikelite housing for my camera - This usually runs at about $1,000 and I have to raise $11,000 to go to China, so it seems silly to aim for this, but I think I can do it! I'll think of it as a business investment. With Ikelite housing... my goodness, everything would change! Everything!

How I Ended Up With Blonde Hair

Right around Christmas, it suddenly struck me that I would look great with light brown hair. Not blonde, mind you, but a very light brown. I became fascinated with the idea, and when we went on our Christmas vacation and my mom went to buy her hair dye, I asked her if I could get some, too.

At the time, I looked like this:

After the first box of hair dye, my hair was about one barely-noticeable shade lighter and the roots where my original hair color (brown) had been growing out from my last dye attempt (reddish brown) were lighter than the rest of the hair.

This was not good enough, and I felt ridiculous with the somewhat-lighter stripe in my hair. I get a little crazy in the winter, so I decided to buy bleach blonde. I didn't want bleach blonde hair, but I figured that since the last box had worked hardly at all, this box would get me exactly where I wanted to be. Wrong!

I ended up with yellow and orange tiger stripes on top of brown.

Plus, the harsh chemicals and cold weather frazzled my already-frizzy hair, so when I brushed it, I got this:

I sent this picture to my fairy godmother, Karissa, and got the response, "Do you want me to kill you now or later?"

So for the rest of the trip, I went around like this:

Luckily, I do have that fairy godmother I mentioned, and when we got home she came and did her best to fix my hair. It's still yellow and orange, but now there are no more stripes! Soon I can dye it back to brown. And that's how I ended up with blonde hair!

And now, here are some pictures of the lovely mountains of Georgia with an after-rain mist hanging in the air. The last one has ice in it! (I'm from Florida, what can I say?) These were taken on my phone so excuse the quality.