Posing a Question

If I told you I was sorry,

Would you stare, then pass me by?

If I told you that I'd loved you,

Could you even spare a sigh?

Would you tell me what I did wrong?

Can we leave behind the past?

There's a distance here between us-

Could it really be so vast?

Will you ignore me for a lifetime?

Can't we let these burdens go?

I guess life's not like the movies

Guess we reap just what we sow

My 2012

On my old blog, I wrote a post every year on New Year's Eve. Looking back on those posts has been so meaningful to me, but I forgot to do that for 2012. I was too busy taking this picture:

The idea was to make a photograph that summed up my 2012. I knew there had to be lots of newspapers, so I started collecting any extras that I could while doing the route. Originally I wanted to be sitting cross-legged in the chair blowing a big bubble from some Bubblicious bubble gum, but after many tries and many poses, I was too frustrated with the way I looked and decided to focus on the one part of my body I'm comfortable with: my legs.

So it became a little joke about how much I sleep. I'm passed out on the ground, wearing the boots I found at Goodwill and the size 14 shorts that I finally fit in. On the table is a can of Monster, a jar of Mod Podge, Kiera Cass's The Selection, a can of white spray paint, and a My Little Pony calendar (which isn't visible). And of course, I had to fit a camera in but I needed to take the picture with my Nikon, so I put the Minolta that Suzana gave me for my Intro to Photography class on top of my textbook for Strategies for Learning Success.

The papers strewn all over the floor are from me wrapping the presents for my parents. They added a nice touch, I think.

2012 was a wonderful year. I feel that after all the struggles and the heartache, I've finally grown into myself. I've also grown up quite a bit. I lost a friend, made some new ones, started a new job, joined a gym, lost a significant amount of weight, started college again, and was happy. Very, very happy. The future is so bright, despite the health issues with my parents. I know everything is going to be just fine.

Grief

When you first lose something you loved... a precious object, a family member, a belief... the grief is so strong because you don't know how to go on without it. They say time heals but I think the reality is that we keep going and we learn that we can live without the thing we once held dear. The pain exists because we think we need the thing to survive, and as we continue our lives the pain fades because we discover that we didn't need it as much as we thought.

I Will

I will be strong.
I will do things I do not want to do.
Even if I fail and fail again, I will not quit.
I will succeed in the end.
I will keep my faith, even when I don't act it.
I will set goals and achieve them.

I want to cry out from the wanting,
This desire I have to be the best,
My best.
I will learn, I will grow, I will do.
Every day I will look back and realize
That I've arrived where yesterday I was pining to be.
My arms will carry heavy loads,
My legs will move with strength and grace,
I will smile at everyone and forgive.

There was a person I imagined as a child.
I will be that person.

Happy birthday. Love you, whoever you would've been.

First or Third?

If (when!) I get around to writing a book, I know I'll probably end up writing in first person. It scares me though because I hate when I read a book in first person and the main character is hardly a character at all. All the other people in the book have personalities and quirks and you get to know them, but for some reason, reading in first person eliminates that main character from your head. You replace them with yourself. And it doesn't make sense when the love interest falls in love with them because there's nothing there to love, just a voice narrating a story.

So the obvious solution would be to write in third person, but that always seems so stilted. If you have two females talking, it's a thin line between being repetitive and making things confusing. (For example, "She looked at her and knew she would never come back." Who would never come back? The first she or the second she? The alternative is, "Stacy looked at Maria and knew Maria would never come back." Which just sounds dumb. I hate using names too often. It's awkward.)

Becoming

I've become the kind of girl (woman?)
who feels naked without makeup
who goes to the gym five times a week
who listens to classical music in the car

The kind of girl (woman?)
who does her classwork the night that it's assigned
who keeps her cool in a tough spot
who works for a living

I've become the kind of girl (woman?)
I never thought I would (could?) be
And I find I'm quite enjoying it