On Moving On

Wrote this post years ago and never published it. Just found it again so I'm publishing it now.

At my sister's advice, I've decided to make a list of the crazy, wonderful, scary, and just plain weird things that come with working a newspaper route seven days a week for two and a half years.

• New tires every three months or so. One memorable time, I had four nails in my back tire.
• I can drive with my knee almost as well as with my hands. I can get my next few stops' newspapers ready, make bags to throw, and make bundles while driving 50 mph. Sometimes I also read while driving, but only when there are no other cars around, thus only putting myself in danger.
• I am entirely comfortable with homeless people now.
• A very common occurrence is when a gas station hires a new male employee. I make it a goal to be on friendly terms with every worker at every one of my stops. Sometimes this comes across as flirting, which leads to the unfortunate new employee hitting on me, to which I always say no and shrug off because I can't imagine anything more painful or awkward than going out with someone I met at a gas station at 4 am and then having to face them every day at work when things don't go well.
• The dreaded, "Where's your husband? Why isn't he helping you with all this work?" conversation. Just a roundabout way of asking if I'm up for sale like a cow. These questions are of course followed up with, "You're not married? But why not?" Why do you think?? Like I've had all these marriage proposals and I was like, "Nah, I'd rather die alone."
• I am sick to death of candy bars, chips, Slim Jims, and Hostess cupcakes. The only places open during my work hours are gas stations and McDonalds. And McDonalds is serving breakfast, and I don't like any of their breakfast food. And trying to figure out some kind of food to bring on the route with me that can be grabbed on my way out the door and eating in a car with one hand without dripping or dropping crumbs all over that is within the select foods my palate enjoys is near impossible. Poptarts lost all appeal within a month of working the paper.
• Behind the scenes at Publix. Seeing all their various deliveries come in, how they handle all the crates and boxes and such. Watching the employees bicker and tease like family. I loved that. I'll miss that.
• Free stuff. Ohhh yeah. Coffee, energy drinks, fountain sodas, food, sometimes even gas. Loaves of bread from delivery guys at Publix in exchange for yesterday's newspapers.
• Being up to date on all the headlining news each day.
• One thing I can't wait to be done with is the ink on my hands and everything else I own. Always having grungy looking shirts and purses and phone cases.
• My car was always clear of stuff because I had to have room for the papers each day, but it was also always a mess because of driving through rain and sprinklers and swarms of bugs, plus the carpets always being dirty because of all the dirt and litter I tracked in on my shoes. My backseats have a permanent gray line where the edge of the newspapers rubbed their ink every day.
• Newspaper paraphernilia. Bags, twine, delivery tickets, logbooks, pens, coins, keys, lists...
• I'm way too familiar with roadkill. I see it fresh, sometimes still twitching. I can tell if it's a raccoon, a possum, or a cat from a mile away.
• There were cool animals too, though. I've seen foxes and owls three times each. Itty bitty baby raccoons and even a miniature pig once. Plus finding baby kittens sometimes was cool.
• Always being tired. I'm not sure how much I believed in the whole Circadian Rhythms thing before, but when you get a full 8 hours sleep each night, and sometimes even get 10 or 12 hours, and still you're driving off the road because your eyes have decided to quit their jobs, it's hard not to believe. The body was meant to sleep at night. It wants to sleep at night, no matter how much you slept during the day.
• Holidays. I've worked every holiday since 2012. Sure, the job was at night and holidays are celebrated during the day, but fitting my sleep schedule around the festivities and still being tired during them was a pain. Not getting to "wake up" on Christmas morning. I just came home instead. I did get my birthdays off each year, which was nice. Don't even get me started on Thanksgiving, though.
• My eyesight has declined noticeably. For awhile I couldn't go out at noon without a lot of pain. It's gotten better, but a recent eye exam shows I now need a mild prescription for glasses.
• The mental state. I think Jodi Picoult said it best in one of her books: "I’m convinced there’s a reason most murders happen at night. The world just feels different for those of us who come alive after dark. It’s more fragile and unreal, a replica of the one everyone else inhabits."

A New Plan

I decided today to look further into the plans I had made for my future, mostly to figure out exactly how much money I needed to be saving up, and also just to give myself some motivation. But what I found kind of freaked me out. What I found has kind of changed everything.

I can't teach in Taiwan with just an Associate's degree and a CELTA course. I can't find any other countries that will accept less than a Bachelor's degree. My options after graduating right now are to stay in the US for another two years, getting scholarships once I turn 24 and continuing to work until I can get my Bachelor's, or to join the Peace Corps.

If I save up $5,000 to $10,000 and put it in some kind of investment with a high rate of interest, I can serve 27 months in the  Peace Corps, living in a foreign country, teaching English, gaining experience, and doing good work. At the end of that time, the Peace Corps will pay me $7,245 (before taxes). With that money and the money that  I put away before leaving, plus a FAFSA scholarship and some other smaller scholarships, I can get my Bachelor's while working part-time. Then I can teach English abroad.


Eesh.

Can You Identify This Spider?

Wednesday morning, I walked into my apartment and straight into a spider web. It's a terribly icky feeling, but one I've grown used to. When you do a newspaper delivery route, you learn the hard way not to walk between trees and that sometimes there's no choice but to stick your hand right into a spider web and hope for the best. So I've had to summon all my bravery many times this summer and just deal with icky insects, but it was an unpleasant surprise to have to do so in my own home.

I thought nothing more of it until a few minutes later, when I felt a sharp pain in my neck. I freaked out, slapping at my clothes and running to the bathroom to see if I could spot a spider on my in the sink mirror. When I leaned over, something small fell off me and into the sink. It was a spider! I had actually been bitten by a spider. I could hardly believe it. I took a good look at it, then went to research what kinds of spiders in Florida are venomous. The outlook was good that I would survive until morning.

I then took some pictures of the spider so that if I developed superpowers or died in my sleep, doctors would have some information. At this point, I'm just curious to know what little beasts are living in my precious home. Anyone who can provide info on what kind of spider this might be will get lots of brownie points! (Click to view the pictures larger.)

Senka

I saw you today
Standing
Reflected in a car window
White sundress and a ponytail
With an expression I couldn't decipher
Full grown, like I'd never imagined
In my head you're always a baby

Do you hate me
For not saving you?

You, shadow on a wall
Arms crossed, face hidden
Still lost

I should've fought harder
For your life

You're waiting
I can feel it
My eyes are blurred
My voice not my own
I've been a stranger since that day

DSED #12: Advice to My Past Self

"Give advice to yourself in the past."

Oooh, boy. I've actually done something like this before, but it was way too depressing and melodramatic. So here we go again:

• If you're flying with Spirit airlines, take your time getting to the airport.
• Be more careful with your external hard drives.
• Having a job is actually pretty awesome. Stop being such a wussy.
• Let people take pictures of you. (No, really.)
• Always wait till morning to make important decisions. Or any decision, really.
• Don't admit anything until you know what evidence they have.
• Drink more water. No, more than that.
• Having a few close friends is nice, but you can be left alone before you know it. Keep in touch with lots of people so you'll always have a support group.
• Put your book down when you go on trips.
• Don't be so bitter. Life hurts, it's not anyone's fault.
• Just breathe!

DSED #11: A Precious Memory

Today's assignment was to throw away a precious memory. I'm kind of a hoarder and I have a shoebox filled with little trinkets that represents memories to me. I wrote this assignment as a kind of self-torture (because I'm masochistic like that) but I'm using it now as therapy. The memory I chose to throw away was this one:

The flowered crown was a prop I used in my Tribute to Aisling video that I made for Kiera Cass's first I Want Your Name contest. I made the video with my best friend at the time. We are no longer friends (to put the entire situation lightly) and I'm making every effort to move on without becoming an angry, bitter person. So here's to hoping that throwing this memory away will help me recover a little bit more.

The actual Tribute to Aisling video is too embarrassingly awful to share here, but I do have some bloopers that show the crown in action:

DSED #10: An Embarrassing Poem

It's been over a year since the last time I did a DSED assignment. It's taken that long for me to catch my breath after getting a seven-days-a-week job and starting college again and moving out for the first time. But things are slowing down (or I'm getting used to the faster pace) and I'm ready to start again!

Today's assignment is to post my most embarrassing poem on this blog. That's kind of difficult because at last count I have 318 poems in my "archive" (aka a private blog dedicated to recording all my poetry). And at least half of them are pretty darn embarrassing. So I picked one at random that I can't read without cringing.

It's titled "Kagome" and was part of a series of poems I wrote for the characters from InuYasha. See? I'm cringing already...

I feel so lost inside,

I'm fighting a battle that's already been won,

I want to go home and hide,

Why can't I be normal and just have fun?

Sometimes I wish I was ugly,

Then my choices wouldn't be so hard,

Not many guys would like me,

And I would be free to follow my heart.

But without my beauty and miko powers,

I wouldn't have InuYasha to love,

He's not romantic, and he never brings flowers,

But he shows he cares with a push and a shove.

I love him through all of his flaws,

Through all the good times and the bad,

Especially his ears and his claws,

And when he's not near I am sad.

Extreme Photography Goals for 2013-2014

I did a post like this for 2012 and ended up not completing any of the goals, but having them in place is nice anyway. And I'm determined to use this time in my life to turn my occasional hobby into a productive business, so here's to actually maybe achieving the goals this time!

• Do 50 paid photo shoots - I think this is a reasonable goal, considering that I have 17 months to complete it. That comes to about 3 paid shoots a month, which I need to aim for anyway if I'm going to have any hope of saving up enough money to get my CELTA.
• Do 3 photo shoots in one day - A year ago the thought of this excited me. I'm a little more wary now, but it would be a cool feat to have accomplished anyway.
• Buy Ikelite housing for my camera - I don't see how this is going to happen, what with living on my own and saving up for the CELTA and all. I've wanted underwater housing for so long that it's become kind of like the dream of having a horse: distant and unattainable in my present circumstances. Still, I'm putting it down in case I do figure out a way to make it happen.
• Develop the Eclaire Facebook fan page - I wanted to make this goal "get 1,000 followers" but I recently read that our goals should be phrased to put the responsibility on developing useful skills in ourselves and not on getting other people to do what we want. So my goal is to work hard on marketing and building a kind of community around my business.
• Get rid of all my business cards - Suzana bought me 100 business cards for my birthday. My goal is to give them all out by the end of 2014. And really, that shouldn't be that hard. If I was really aiming high, I would set the goal to give out 500 business cards or something like that.

Location, Location, Location

When I first heard the quote, "Every where you go, there you are," I was shocked and saddened. I had always thought that if I could just find the right place, I would suddenly transform into the perfect version of me. But I recognized the truth in the saying: your location doesn't change who you are. This had me in quite a slump for many years.

But after moving into my first apartment, I can honestly say that I was a little bit wrong. I'm still me, but where I am matters. While location can't change your habits, your personality, or your character, it CAN change your attitude, your outlook, and your motivations. Just a thought.

To Fly

I'm here, right now, standing with my toes hanging off the edge of childhood, ready to fling myself into the adult world with nothing but a prayer that I won't be dashed upon the rocks. Hoping that my wings will miraculously appear and save me. I'm terrified and thrilled and overwhelmed and at peace with it all. I feel so many things and have so many ideas rushing through my head that I couldn't possibly explain. I'm ready, like I never thought I would be. I can do it, I know I can.

I wish I could really believe that people cared for me. I wish I could find someone like me. I wish I could make art that people really appreciated, or be content to only make it for myself. I wish I did all the things I mean to.

Flying

Last night I dreamed of dying. I was exiting I-95 on one of the ramps that curves so sharply that you have to go like 25 miles an hour, but I wasn't paying attention and took the turn too fast. My car spun and spun and spun, so fast, but it was staying on the road. I said out loud, "Lord." And in my head I thought, "Take me home or save me, Lord, whatever You want." The car kept spinning until it finally hit the wall and went flying through the air. I saw a lake and trees and the blue sky and braced myself for impact. The moment my car hit the ground, I woke up.

I was lying on my bed in the darkness, but my body was frozen and for a moment I was sure that this was it, I was dead. I could've sworn I felt the separation between my soul and my body, the way you see in movies where the transparent body gets up while the actual body stays down. I was afraid, but not as much as I would've thought I'd be. There was a strange sort of peace about it.

I have dreams like that often, where there's some accident and I end up hurtling through the air, anticipating a fall. Sometimes it's a roller coaster, sometimes it's a swing. The car was a first for me.

I don't think they mean anything. I just wanted to write this one down to remember it. I'm pretty sure it was brought on by me watching 49 Days and then driving to Cocoa Beach.

A Grieving Heart

My second film shoot was with Hannah. The assignment was to take pictures with leading lines at a shutter speed of 125, letting the light meter dictate the f-stop. I decided to tell a story using the five stages of grief as a loose guideline.

"A grieving hearts ties you to the past and blinds you to the future."

The story is a literal representation of this quote. A young girl goes about her life with a blindfold on and a mysterious ribbon holding her back. At first, she tries to ignore it.

Then she gets angry and tries to fight it, to no avail.

She does everything she can to escape the force that's pulling her, trying to believe that if only she were stronger or if she went somewhere new, things would be different.

Her strength fails her. New views can't change what's in her heart. She slumps in defeat, having given up.

Grief overtakes her. She knows what she has to do.

She gives in and follows the ribbon to its end. It's tied around the headstone of her little sister, who has been calling her back all this time. 

Having come to terms with her sister's death, she is finally able to slip off the blindfold and loosen the ribbon.

Vow of Obscurity

I've spent most of my life being sad. I wanted to be strong, and somehow, strength came to mean anger for me. So I tried to be angry instead of depressed. And it's worked a little too well. I can feel myself solidifying into an angry, bitter, cruel person.

When I was in middle school, I wrote, "Insecurity is my obscurity." The older I get, the more the opposite seems true as well: Obscurity is my insecurity. I'm scared to death of being overlooked. I also wrote,

I don't like the corner
I don't like the stairs
When on the sides
I'm in despair

The only place
That won't cause tension
Is in the center
Of attention

I was trained to be an actress from a very young age. I'm more comfortable on a stage than anywhere else. Some call me a drama queen, but I'd go so far as to say I'm an attention whore. I long for fame. I don't even need world fame, just a little bit of internet fame would do. Every hobby I've had has been geared toward this. And I've spent my life searching for the satisfaction I thought I would get from being known by people.

It's made me an awkward person. I'm not very pretty, so I resorted to being funny. I'm not very clever, so I had to use myself as my material. I became a clown for the sake of being noticed. I don't know how to shut up and blend into the background. All I can do is act silly and hyper, hoping for eyes on me, even if they're glaring.

Some people take vows of poverty. I think I need to take a vow of obscurity: to swear to not be famous for anything, to live a quiet life doing the greatest good I can with the least amount of recognition possible. To not let my left hand know what my right hand is doing. I think something like that would do me a world of good.

It's time to begin, isn't it?

In Between

Yesterday, I spent four hours in the dark room developing the prints from Katie's photo shoot, and they're finally ready to be seen!

A true photographer wouldn't have to explain their pictures, but I'm still learning so I'm going to give you a little synopsis.

In the beginning, this young girl is torn up inside, in too much pain to survive but terrified to die. She turns her body into a suicide note for her loved ones to find and walks into the ocean, ready to end it all. She thinks she knows what she's getting into, but as the waves crash over her, she begins to panic. For the first time, her emotional pain is secondary to actual physical pain. She changes her mind and reaches for the shore...but it's too late.

The words are lyrics from In Between by Linkin Park. This shoot was also inspired by Calm Under the Waves by Maria Mena and Into the Ocean by Blue October.

And don't worry, not all of my pictures are going to be this depressing! Most of them, maybe, but not all.

Dragonfly Story

In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their groups ever came back after crawling up the stems of the lilies to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation, which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain, he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation, which we call death, is no proof that they cease to exist. 

- Walter Dudley Cavert

Lindsey With an 'E'

Yesterday I did one of the most beautiful photo shoots I've ever seen with a gorgeous girl named Lindsey. It was another film shoot for my photography class, and we had a blast. We went to Bethesda by the Sea, one of the few places in West Palm with nice architecture. Despite the fact that she's still recovering from a bad fall, Lindsey bravely stood on top of stone monuments, climbed trees, and jumped around, all for my sake.

I told her, "It's a bad habit of mine to ask my models to do impossible things. But they keep doing them, so I keep asking!"

We felt a little bit like celebrities when a family from Brazil came up and asked if they could take pictures with us. The feeling grew when another group of tourists tried to discreetly photograph us. (Tried being the operative word. They weren't very good at sneaking.)

Finished up the outing with lunch at Applebees and declared it a perfect day!

Where Hannah is a Trooper

This is the only picture I'm going to show you from my shoot with Hannah last Sunday. Don't want to reveal too much, but I will say this: that girl is indefatigable. Whatever I asked her to do, where ever I asked her to do it (re: the graveyard), she did it cheerfully and better than I could have expected.

Calling 911

Yesterday, I was researching the bystander effect for a speech I'm doing in my Communications class. I watched this video, where an experiment was performed using a man lying down "passed out" in a busy place. The bystander effect is a psychological phenomenon where the more people are present in an emergency, the less likely any one person is to help. So in the experiment, no one helped the man lying on the ground because they all figured someone else would do it.

This morning at work, I saw a man passed out in front of a nightclub. There was a car stopped in the street in front of him and several people on the sidewalk around him. I stayed in my car because, hey, it was 4 am and I'm a female and I was alone, but I rolled down my window and asked if anybody knew the man. They all shrugged and went on their way. Normally I wouldn't have even bothered to ask. I would probably have just assumed that one of the people on the sidewalk knew him, but after watching the videos of the psychological experiments on YouTube and reading about cases where people have died because no one bothered to help, I knew I couldn't just drive away.

So, for the fifth time in under a year, I called 911. It's amazing to me how commonplace it's become for me to state the nature and address of my emergency. And I guess it's true what I read about how just knowing that the bystander effect exists lessens its effect on people.