At my sister's advice, I've decided to make a list of the crazy, wonderful, scary, and just plain weird things that come with working a newspaper route seven days a week for two and a half years.
- New tires every three months or so. One memorable time, I had four nails in my back tire.
- I can drive with my knee almost as well as with my hands. I can get my next few stops' newspapers ready, make bags to throw, and make bundles while driving 50 mph. Sometimes I also read while driving, but only when there are no other cars around, thus only putting myself in danger.
- I am entirely comfortable with homeless people now.
- A very common occurrence is when a gas station hires a new male employee. I make it a goal to be on friendly terms with every worker at every one of my stops. Sometimes this comes across as flirting, which leads to the unfortunate new employee hitting on me, to which I always say no and shrug off because I can't imagine anything more painful or awkward than going out with someone I met at a gas station at 4 am and then having to face them every day at work when things don't go well.
- The dreaded, "Where's your husband? Why isn't he helping you with all this work?" conversation. Just a roundabout way of asking if I'm up for sale like a cow. These questions are of course followed up with, "You're not married? But why not?" Why do you think?? Like I've had all these marriage proposals and I was like, "Nah, I'd rather die alone."
- I am sick to death of candy bars, chips, Slim Jims, and Hostess cupcakes. The only places open during my work hours are gas stations and McDonalds. And McDonalds is serving breakfast, and I don't like any of their breakfast food. And trying to figure out some kind of food to bring on the route with me that can be grabbed on my way out the door and eating in a car with one hand without dripping or dropping crumbs all over that is within the select foods my palate enjoys is near impossible. Poptarts lost all appeal within a month of working the paper.
- Behind the scenes at Publix. Seeing all their various deliveries come in, how they handle all the crates and boxes and such. Watching the employees bicker and tease like family. I loved that. I'll miss that.
- Free stuff. Ohhh yeah. Coffee, energy drinks, fountain sodas, food, sometimes even gas. Loaves of bread from delivery guys at Publix in exchange for yesterday's newspapers.
- Being up to date on all the headlining news each day.
- One thing I can't wait to be done with is the ink on my hands and everything else I own. Always having grungy looking shirts and purses and phone cases.
- My car was always clear of stuff because I had to have room for the papers each day, but it was also always a mess because of driving through rain and sprinklers and swarms of bugs, plus the carpets always being dirty because of all the dirt and litter I tracked in on my shoes. My backseats have a permanent gray line where the edge of the newspapers rubbed their ink every day.
- Newspaper paraphernilia. Bags, twine, delivery tickets, logbooks, pens, coins, keys, lists...
- I'm way too familiar with roadkill. I see it fresh, sometimes still twitching. I can tell if it's a raccoon, a possum, or a cat from a mile away.
- There were cool animals too, though. I've seen foxes and owls three times each. Itty bitty baby raccoons and even a miniature pig once. Plus finding baby kittens sometimes was cool.
- Always being tired. I'm not sure how much I believed in the whole Circadian Rhythms thing before, but when you get a full 8 hours sleep each night, and sometimes even get 10 or 12 hours, and still you're driving off the road because your eyes have decided to quit their jobs, it's hard not to believe. The body was meant to sleep at night. It wants to sleep at night, no matter how much you slept during the day.
- Holidays. I've worked every holiday since 2012. Sure, the job was at night and holidays are celebrated during the day, but fitting my sleep schedule around the festivities and still being tired during them was a pain. Not getting to "wake up" on Christmas morning. I just came home instead. I did get my birthdays off each year, which was nice. Don't even get me started on Thanksgiving, though.
- My eyesight has declined noticeably. For awhile I couldn't go out at noon without a lot of pain. It's gotten better, but a recent eye exam shows I now need a mild prescription for glasses.
- The mental state. I think Jodi Picoult said it best in one of her books: "I’m convinced there’s a reason most murders happen at night. The world just feels different for those of us who come alive after dark. It’s more fragile and unreal, a replica of the one everyone else inhabits."
